(1/2 started, old entry – practicing leaving things incomplete is HARD)
Birthday season comes to a close on a sweet note. Jonah’s birthday rounds out our burst of summer birthdays. And of course, it all started with him. He’s the one that made me a mother. Seven years ago today. So much has changed in those years.
I certainly didn’t set out to raise a family. Just to have a baby. Then another. Then another. But now all of the sudden, I realize I am fully engulfed in the very full time experience of RAISING A FAMILY. Once upon a time, I had a career in real estate. And before you actually buy a house, someone sits down with you and goes over a 30 page contract of what you are getting into. Then you do inspection after inspection. Then you go to settlement and do more paperwork, that an attorney explains. And even still you have a chance to get out of it for 2 or 3 days after that. Where is the RAISING A FAMILY CONTRACT?! The explanation that your autonomy and independence will be temporarily confiscated, given back to you only for mere moments. That your ability to have a complete conversation with another adult without interruption will be rare, if ever. That your dependence on yourself will not be enough. That grocery shopping, food prep, daily logistics and laundry will now consume most of your thoughts and your life. And that you will most certainly be changed (for better or worse).
20 things that have changed since I became a mother:
- I cook. I actually cook. I put at least 12 nutritious meals on the table every week for 5 people.
- I realize I can’t do this (life) by myself. I used to be entirely self sufficent and proud of it. Now I am proud to ask for or hire help.
- There is nothing you can buy me that would top a good, full nights sleep. Nothing.
- I used to love accumulating stuff, now I’m obsessed with getting rid of it all.
- A good girlfriend is gold. Especially one that loves your kids, or can even just watch them.
- Good paid help is worth paying for.
- I’m less afraid. There are moments when I feel actualized. Powerful. Empowered by my family.
- I’m more afraid. Nothing trumps the fear of losing your child.
- I appreciate my body. Wow. Function, stamina and safety, all built in.
- I don’t take autonomy for granted. 2 hours alone is what 2 weeks used to be. Saaaweeet.
- I have a real yoga practice.
- I drive a minivan. (it pains me greatly to even write that)
- I realize that I am resentful. I used to just be
- I tell people I love them.
- My cup size.
- I don’t control my emotions. I feel them.
- I let other people take responsibility for their own experience of life.
- I make homemade ghee every week.
- I don’t eat junkfood.
- I love myself. And now I can love my neighbor.